As a lesbian, I'm sure you've been asked a million times when you "made the choice" to be with women rather than men... UGH! No matter how many times I try to explain it to people, I'm not sure they ever really get it. I didn't make the choice to be attracted to women.. it just happened.
I remember playing house when I was little and I never wanted to be married to a boy.. I wanted to be married to the neighbor girl. I remember getting butterflies in my stomach whenever she came around. Oh, how I wanted to kiss her! But, I never did..
As the years went by, my attraction to other girls became uncomfortable. I didn't know any gay people. Heck, I didn't even know what it meant to be gay! All I knew is that girls were supposed to be with boys. Back then, you didn't see men with men and women with women. Not in my little world anyway. It wasn't like today where you can turn on the t.v. and see gays and lesbians practically everywhere! And there was certainly no all gay channel. Thank goodness for LOGO and Showtime!
No, growing up I had the Brady Bunch, Full House, Growing Pains.. Straight people, living their straight lives.. The closest thing we had to a gay t.v. shows were Fame and Bussom Buddies.. lol
I remember the first time I saw Ellen's show.. Not her daytime talk show.. I'm talking about her sit-com from back in the day. Who didn't know she was gay the first time they saw that show?? If you're a lesbian, like me, you knew the second she appeared on screen. And I thought to myself, finally, a show for lesbians! Of course then I found out she was actually "straight" on the show. Does anyone think it ever really looked natural for Ellen to play a hetro? When she finally kissed another woman, I was like... FINALLY!!!
Anyway, we all know how hard coming out can be... how hard it IS. Some of you may still be peeking out of the closet door. Even though times have changed, there are still people out there who haven't fully accepted the idea of men loving men and women loving women. To them it's unnatural.. perverse.. sick. Whereas to us it's just how it is.
I tried for a long time to suppress my sexuality.. to change who I really was. I thought if I just found the right man, my feelings for women would magically go away. I would live happily ever after... Obviously, that didn't happen.
When I was 20 something, I moved to Austin, TX, a very gay and lesbian friendly city.. and I was finally able to explore my true self. I started dating women and I felt as though the world was lifted off my shoulders.
It's not easy finding yourself, especially when most of the world tells you that who you really are, isn't who you should really be. What I don't understand is why as a society, we feel the need to be so tangled up in everyone else's' business. I think people's own lives are so screwed up that they would rather point the finger at someone else and say "look at them! Look at what they're doing", rather than fix what's wrong in their own lives.
I have been fortunate enough to find the woman with whom I plan on spending the rest of my life. Of course, we haven't gotten to the point yet where we can actually marry one another legally.. I just don't get it... but the whole gay marriage debate is a whole other story! I could go on and on and on about that one.. But couldn't we all?
Things have come a long way since my days of playing house with the neighbor girl. Yes, my girlfriend and I still get looks when we walk down the street holding hands.. we probably always will.. No matter how much society changes, there will always be people who believe the way we are living is wrong. That we are choosing to live the life we are living.. Yes, I AM choosing to live this life.. I'm choosing to be MYSELF.. To love who I feel right about loving. I refuse to live a lie just to make other people comfortable.
I love being a lesbian.. I love the way women look.. the way they feel.. the softness of their lips and their skin.. I love women.. Plain and simple..
And for all you straight men reading this.. and I know you are.. Sorry, but for most of us, once we go gay.. we stay that way.. ;-)
